I am always moving moving moving. Ready, set, go go go.
My legs, my heart, my mind – everything is always in motion. The thing about motion is sometimes you just want it to stop. But how do you stop when the world is always going round on its axis? How can you stop if everyone around you is in unison? When the trees are dancing with the wind; when your coffee is growing cold; when the spurs on the wheels of your car are always rotating – how can I stop?
I am always moving moving moving. Sometimes moving just to do something; moving just to feel something, moving just to remind myself that I am real and here and breathing. That I am a part of nature. And nature, a part of me.
My hands are always moving. Scrolling scrolling scrolling and my eyes rolling rolling rolling. And I want to scream. And stop. And do nothing or something. But more like nothing at all. I want to freeze. To tell my mind, my heart, my legs, my hands, my eyes – all of it to just pause. Take it in. Look around. But I am always in fast forward and sometimes, I miss out. I wish I could tell myself to breathe and relax but I just don’t know how? How do people meditate? How do they remind themselves to take a moment to breathe and chill?
The notion of the chill girl – that girl everyone wants you to be – what does that even mean? We all know that chill is just a placeholder. It doesn’t mean anything but it does mean something. I am not chill or relaxed or even maybe experiencing.
I am everywhere and yet nowhere. I’m always thinking of what to do next, where to go next how to manoeuvre my mind into convincing my body that I am not tired. I am never tired or at least, never too tired. Even as I write this, my arms hurt from lift lift lifting and my legs hurt from run run running and my mind hurts from think think thinking. But I can’t stop. My fingertips keep go go going. And I’m here, circling. Round and round down the drain. But still even as I fall, I am spinning down out of control and into nothing.